Butterfly Effect

Note on photo above: Me n friends went down to check out the art museum party on Saturday.  Some of them looked they came right out of a nightmare.

1) For my actions: Because I want to be happy.

Note on photo above: Neither my friend nor I dared to enter the room at the back... it was too eerie.

2) For The Boy: Because she wanted something different.

Note on photo above: Some installations were dreamy, cosy and wonderful.

3) For The Bear: Because you hunted me down after 10 years and found me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photo above: I can bring my G10 everywhere!

4) For the cheesy TV dramas with perfect families: Because you are a lie.  Blatant.  Foolish.  Lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photos above: And the forest sleeps on.  Beds of flowers are left untended by their winged counterparts. 

5) For Mr and Mrs Gandalf: Because both of you evoke happy memories.

Note on photo above: I took ages to get a good shot of this pair. 

6) For Love: Because you taught me to be independent and self-sufficient.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photos above: Pickings are far and few between.

7) For the butterflies: Because you all irritate me so much by being so uncooperative but I can't help but be happy when I see you all flutter around drunkenly in the sunlight. 

Note on photo above: I found a stretch of quiet trail.  Where there was literally nothing except a low gutteral rumbling amongst the trees and this butterfly.  I can't figure out what's making that sound.

8) For the monsoon rains:  Because you drive me nuts when you are hot and sunny and beckoning while I'm in bed and then cold and rainy and forbidding when I'm outdoors.  But then again, recently you've been very nicely aligned with my activities so I'm grateful.

Note on photo above: What a nice lil forward strutty pose you got there with all your tails nicely straightened out.

9) For the labrador shaped chocolate: Because you just make me wanna give you a nice biiiig hugga!

10) For Raymond: Because he's pretty much disappeared and I wonder what's happened to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11) For Nikki: Because she made so much progress in only 1 year.  And I'm proud of her.

Note on photo above: That is so true.  But only if you also learn to let go.

12) For the hunters: Because the difference between an avid hunter and a real friend is the selfish motive for a kill.

For The Ones That Matter

1) Why is it that the gates which I have opened unto the ones I love are usually the ones which my enemies use to overrun my sanctuary?  

For Your Eyes Only

2) Try this funny test: www.xrite.com

I have perfect colour sensitivity.  So they say.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For The Late

3) Why is it that people only realise that they want you to love them when you no longer do? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photos above: No. Steamed fish was not one of the recipes... ~_^.  Cook books are great.  But then usually I end up cooking whatever I remember my Mum cooking.  Still... I try to try new recipes.

For The Butterflies

4) Why does it always feel so much better not caring than caring?   

For the Unexpected Joy

5) Why is happiness all the small things which are not usually what you initially set your mind on?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the Sleeping

6) Why do some people never see how beautiful life can be outside of the said definitions of happiness?

For The Archdukes

7) Why do the male archdukes not feed on the pineapples?  Why do only the female archdukes come to feed on the pineapples?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photo above of male archdukes: The males raised their snarky butterfly eyebrows at the pineapples when offered as if I was trying to peddle them fish net stockings.  But then they hovered around the pineapples and feeding females as if they secretly wanted fish net stockings... or maybe they were attracted to the females... hmmmm?

Note on photo above: No no... he won't sit on the pineapples.  He'd sit on a fallen leaf, feed on a fallen fig and watch the females furtively from a quiet distance.

For the Labrador Shaped Chocolate

8) Why do dogs frown?  Picture on left is Chocolate holding it in uncomfortably and picture on the right is Chocolate after having gone and sprayed on multiple grass patches all over the neighbourhood.

 

 

Note on photo above: Chocolate is so chocolate coloured that I'd like to imagine she's chocolate in the shape of a Labrador.

Note on photo: Unprocessed photo.  But look at that magnificent glare... this is one regal bird.

Where Eagles Fly

I brought Gandalf to a little used trail which I found while waltzing around a frequented site.  But it yielded a lonely Archduke which sat on my lap momentarily while I cut up butterfly bait ... and then the trail was swallowed back up into the forest due to lack of use and it was difficult to make headway.

Gandalf then brought me down to a little trail down to a small stream and that was where this magnificent creature swooped down and graced us with its awesome presence.

Note on photo above: One very tame and very grey sailor.  And then there was nothing.  The forest was asleep.

The Sleeping Forest

The eagle soared away almost noiselessly even though it was so huge.  It went out into the open where it circled high above the earth, riding the currents effortlessly with its huge wings.

And then there was quiet.  A peaceful restful quiet.  Like the forest was steeped in a deep sleep.  Even the normally skittish grey sailor was uncommonly slow and comfortable with our presence, perched on the leaf as if hypnotised by the gentle rocking of the leaves in the slight breeze.

Note on photo above: Even the limes seemed fast asleep

The Spell Spills Over

The forest and its inhabitants were not the only ones under the spell.  The butterflies in the enclosure were also uncommonly cooperative, such as this pair of Lime butterflies, allowing Gandalf to position them gently on flowers where it seems they promptly fell back asleep in each other's 'embrace'.

The Dead and Forgotten

X1, henceforth named for being my first ex, drove all 5 hours down from KL to resolve some 'unresolved issues' after he found out that I was sick.

And he tried his darndest to jog my memory but I had no recollection of anything which he felt important for me to remember...neither the good, the bad nor the ugly.

Note on photo above: Unprocessed photo.  The peacock pansy's eyes look almost closed and encrusted over with sleep.  Or it's just my imagination.

Because I had no recollection of the hate or love or anger or any of the reasons of his inability to let go of what happened so many years ago, I helped in this way:

X1 (morosely as we sat over dinner): "I never understood why you broke up with me.  It affected me badly for years.  You never realised how much it affected me."

Me (excitedly, as if a bright idea had sprung up in my forgetful head): "Actually I can't remember.  But I bet it must have been cos you were a jerk.  Because I wouldn't break up with anybody unless they were a jerk."

And then while he sat there befuddled and uncomprehending, I happily reached into my bag for my nail polish and painted one of his fingernails orange and the other a light silvery pink.

Then as I packed him off and away in a taxi with his fingernails still in odd colours, I said obscurely: "You have to learn to let go, to forget.  When you can learn that you can't always have what you want in life, then you can learn to let go and then you can learn to be happy."

And then I waved as the taxi pulled away.  As if to a stranger I had met on the street. 

But a rather nice stranger.

The sunshine in the spotless mind is truly eternal.

I saw this up on the wall in my Dad's lady friend's clinic.  Roughly translated... with my bad Mandarin... it goes something like this:

"Life is but a play on a stage

Meeting is but a chance of fate

A love which lasts a lifetime is difficult to find

Shouldn't we then treasure it more?

Anger over the smallest things

Just looks silly when we look back on it

Others can fuss and fret but not I

Nobody bears my pain if I worry myself sick

Nobody will be any better off if I worry myself dead

Health and energy is laid to waste

Don't keep comparing yourself with neighbours and friends

Let children and grandchildren do what they will

Walk with me through the thick and through the lean

Even God admires the loving companionship"

Cooking For 3

OK.  So Life is not fair.  So things don't end up the way I planned.  But I guess it's time to stop calculating and say why should I blahblahblah.

I do enjoy cooking but the last time I did that was for mostly for Mum.  It's difficult to cook for yourself because it doesn't make any economic sense... and I just find it hard to get down to peeling garlic in the kitchen.  The sound of rustling garlic skin is such a lonely sound. 

But I do deserve to have better food than all the fast food and lunches and dinners on the go that I have been surviving on for the past year.  And since my brother's and Dad's health are also two of my top concerns, I guess they would also benefit from having some steamed cod once in a while.

I know I've always thought I've got my eyes wide open about a lot of things.  But I realise I don't.  And always thinking that I do does make me more blind than the person who is aware maybe he/she might be wrong.

And though I probably won't be able to change whatever I am and my whole life all at once, I guess I can just take it... one meal at a time, one day at a time.

Note on photo above: The reds and whites so exactly matching the pagoda flower's it's easy to imagine that butterflies are just flowers that can fly.

Beautiful Days

The past 2 days were cutouts of a child's crayon drawings of cheerful blue skies, puffy little sheep of clouds and a big yellow sun with great big rays of yellow sunshine.  It makes me want to run around waving my arms in the air screaming "whee!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photos above: I found flowers in bloom and berries in trees.  Who can resist such succulent colours and textures?

Blooming Beauty Everywhere

And just like a child's drawing of big red globes of apples in trees and huge pink flowers in the bushes, the trees and schrubs and plants were also heavy with fruits and flowers.  There was a heady smell of sweetness in the air.  The bees went crazy with it, and above them the dragonflies and above them, the birds.  

Note on photo above: A pristine female common mormon zipping away amongst the pagoda flowers.

The Butterflies Return

And with them, the butterflies were back in full force.  I found myself unable to leave patches of activity, with different groups of butterflies making their rounds on the same flowers... Painted Jezebels, Lemon Emigrants, Mottled Emigrants, Yellows, Common Mormons, Plain Tigers and Biggs' Brownies all fighting for space and territory.

Note on photo above: Plenty though they may be, plain tigers are not cooperative.  It wouldn't let me close enough to get a topside open winged shot...so I shot one with its face in a flower.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Opening Eyes

I met my Dad's lady friend for the first time on Thursday.  My doctor couldn't do anything for my pain.  He told me to take painkillers.  So I woke up on Thursday morning so much in pain, I told my Dad I'd kill the next person who so much as raised a snarky eyebrow at me.

Note on photo above: This would be my first tatty shot of a tatty Common Evening Brown in Singapore.  I'd only ever shot one in Malaysia.  Probably cos I never shoot at the hours where it's likely to waltz out of hiding in this country.  Today this particular individual obliged.  And I was happy to get my first shot of a Singaporean Common Evening Brown.

My Dad's lady friend was a Chinese doctor... meaning that she specialised in Traditional Chinese Medicine.  She so much as felt my pulse and looked at my tongue and asked where my pain was and immediately knew what my problem was without even me telling her what my other doctor had said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photos above: The dwarf crow was characteristically uncooperative as usual.  But at least it played musical flowers at a much slower rate than the emigrants and jezebels.

And then she laid me down on a bed, put some needles in me (acupuncture) and immediately the pain lessened to a more bearable level.  Needless (Needles!) to say, I was amazed.  And for the first time in about a week, I fell asleep without being kept awake by the pain. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note on photos above:  I was surprised by the number of flying eggs on site this morning.  They were chasing each other very aggressively, flying tiring circles around each other repeatedly till even I felt tired for their fluttery wings.

Whatever Makes You Happy

Lying on the bed I had the chance to be an unwitting observer to the interaction between my Dad and his lady friend.  And I guess all I can say is... my Dad seems happy just being there and around her.  And her chocolate labrador seemed happy just being around my Dad (because he always brings the dog out for walks and gives her treats).

I guess my Dad, his lady friend and the chocolate labrador would be the smiling crayon stick figures to complete the happy child's drawing of a beautiful day.

And no sooner did I come to accept this did I also feel that at least there are some nooks and crannies in the world that was warm and chocolate-labrador-fuzzy... even if I'm not technically part of that happiness... although I am happy in an odd, very hard to explain kinda way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I gave my Dad his space, asked him not to overstrain while walking a very exuberant dog and to take care of himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then I'd like to imagine that I fluttered my wings a little and took to the skies, flying above the crayon green trees in a bright blue technicolour sky with the sheep of clouds... at peace with life.

But I took the bus instead, went home, snuggled happily in bed and promptly fell asleep.

Growing Stress

I was recently in a doctor's clinic after experiencing persisting pain.  After playing nervously with the red parrotfish in the waiting room for about 2 hours, he finally called me in and told me I had a growth about 2.3cm.

Doctor: "Have you been under a lot of stress lately?"

Me: "Not really.." Dad [cutting in abruptly]: "YES! She's been very stressed at work!  She just don't want to tell you!"

Doctor: "Well... looking at your history of problems, it would appear that they are all stress related.  The intestines are the first to be affected when you can't cope with stress."

Being in the line that I'm in, I immediately asked for the worst case scenario: "What is the worst that can happen now?"

Doctor: "The worst thing that you can do right now is think of the worst case scenario."

The Stress Spiral

So I laid in bed awake and did the exact reverse of what the doctor told me to do.

And the more I thought about the pain, the more I couldn't sleep.  And the more I couldn't sleep, the more I worried about how tired I would be tomorrow.  And the more I worried about how tired I would be tomorrow, the more I couldn't sleep.  And the more I stayed awake, the more aware I was of the pain.

I was ready to dramatically leap from my room window down 13 storeys to a not-so-pretty ending.

Stress was so pervasive and insidious I was even stressed about not being able to deal with stress and not being able to let go. 

Note on photo above: I was so pleased to come across this cutesy poo poo today. ^_^

Take My Breath Away

I went out shooting to de-stress but ended up with short breath and chest pains thanks to the strong medication which my doctor had given me.  I'm still giddy and nauseaus while typing this. 

Tired Of Whining

But I'm tired of talking about all the terrible things that have been happening lately.  I'll bore you another time.

A Troupe of 'Gibbons'

In search of 'gibbons' today, 20 or 30 of them turned up, all chattering excitedly amongst themselves.  No, actually they were trekkers.  20 of them! On a narrow forest trail! One of whom turned out to be a friend of a friend of K.  He said hi and I didn't recognise him because I'd only met him twice? Thrice?

The group was extremely friendly and in high spirits. Even though they had trekked for probably more than an hour, judging from where they said they had come from.  It was nice bumping into happy faces instead of angry wild boar :P

The 'Real Gibbons'

The crashing, mashing 'Real Gibbons' were nowhere to be found.  Perhaps they had been scared away by the huge group of 'fake gibbons'.

Small Joys

I should also include that right when I was down in this heap of trouble, there were friends who cared, my Dad accompanied me to the doctor's, I discovered a really nice gym near my house, Cold Rock serves chocolate ice cream with crushed tim tams and it didn't rain on me today despite a gloomy forecast.  I'm grateful. :)

Love has gone before
To lay the road ahead with roses
A welcome of blood
I sang to her while she worked
To live our story
Just so that I know

Love has gone before
To lay the ocean bed with dust
A memory of loss
I gave him courage before he left
To live my drama
Just so that I can imagine

Love has gone before
To lay the sky dark with rain
Love’s disguise in a curse
Directed my diseased feet
Far from home
Just so that I am conscience-free

Love went before me
To lay the bridges with fire
A lesson of heavy price
I awaken shortly before I go to sleep
To open my eyes
Just so that I understand

Love goes ahead before me
Through fire, water and life
To death
Just so that I will not be afraid

Still Learning Today...

I was on the boat last night where Herman left us behind.  Now it's not just a dive boat any longer.  It's the Hermie dive boat.  And if I should dive off that boat in future, I can't help but smile when I hear his chuckle at the back of my mind.

Note on photo above: I learnt that one must take photos of friends and loved ones often... and not save it just for special occasions.  Yoda is very camera shy... so here's a photo of him trying to get some ants off his feet.

I learnt more about Hermie and remembered some of the things that he told me before.  Pieces of Hermie coming together but the most I remember is his laughing.  Giggle giggle giggle, snigger snigger snigger, chuckle chuckle chuckle.

Sharing A Joke With Someone In My Sleep

I laughed myself awake last night a few times.  But when I woke up I couldn't remember who I was laughing with and what we were laughing about.

I just remember it was like I was sitting with a friend and sharing a really good belly-ache-funny joke.  And I laughed and laughed so hard I woke myself up with my own hee hee hees.

It was very pleasant and I went back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later laughing again. 

I was ticklishly light-hearted the whole of today even though I was a little lack of sleep and it's still kind of sinking in that I have missed a whole lifetime of opportunity to have dinner with Herman again... to sit outside the shop with him ...joking and laughing the evening away.

"Next Time"

I learnt that there's no waiting for a next time.  There may not be a next time to celebrate a birthday, to sit with a friend and share a funny joke, to have dinner, to watch a movie. 

Playing Games

I learnt that there's no point playing games.  We are what we are.  It shouldn't be so complicated to show friends and loved ones how much they mean to us.

All the hate and bitterness and scars feel like such a waste of time in the face of such potential waste of opportunity to be there for the people who matter.

While we still can.

3 Days

When I was on the boat, the dive director said that the whole crew was afraid to go around on the boat by themselves because they believed that Herman would come back on the 3rd day.  And yesterday was indeed the 3rd day.   

It's scary thinking about spirits coming back.  But with Herman... all I can remember was his laughter.  And Herman's friend said: "But it's Herman!"

We ended up laughing the night away in fond remembrance of Herman and his silly jokes.  What a way to leave the people who loved you behind.  You left us a great big smile on our faces and a wonderful warm feeling inside.  

Herman... even after you're gone, I'm still learning so much from you.

Herman Hamli - August 12th 1974 - October 3rd 2009

Hey Herman,

Stop playing around.  You can't be gone. 

You're just hiding behind the pillar like when I bumped into you at Raffles City.  You like to do that.  And you were sniggering cos you thought you could hide from me.

You said my face looked murderous (I was working on a big event) and told me to chill.

I like how you always say that.  Relax, relax, relax.  But you were the first one to ask if I was okay when I facebooked that I had been diagnosed with barotrauma.  Sadly, that was the last conversation we had.  And you said "ok take care".

I swear... at that time I thought we could hang out sometimes at the dive shop and laugh about what a wussy I am.  Always whining about this and about that.

Argh Herman.  You were like part of the dive shop to me.  Like I thought you'd always be hanging around all the wetsuits and regulators.  Not seeing you there is just strange.  I thought we agreed to do dinner again sometime.

You never take anything seriously do you?  Right when everybody was telling me what a loser I was in refusing to move on, refusing to complete my studies, refusing to get off my ass and do all the things I had to do, you never said I was indulgent and pathetic.  You just said: "take your time, take your time, when you're ready, you'll know it."

You should have been there.  I don't know if you were.  You were and still are so loved.  We almost couldn't squeeze everybody in to say goodbye.  But Life's strange like that.  The loved are taken so easily. 

And when I think about it, all I can remember is your laughter and your eye rolling and the way you go -_- at all my corny jokes. 

Knowing you.... you would probably laugh at this, even this...

I never knew anyone who could shrug off so much the way you do while knowing at the same time the weight of Life's burden.

I will think of you in the lighter moments of the day and the quieter moments of the night.  I will think of you when I am in the sea.  I will think of you when I am looking out over the ocean. 

Goodnight Herman. Sleep tight.  God willing, we will meet in a better place than this. 

"Let us die young or let us live forever..."

   

* Subject to finding a butterfly with longer wings than this!

I waited for a while to talk about this. 

Like jumping up and down with my hands over my mouth screaming: "MMMM!!!!!! Mmmmm!!!!! MMMmmmppppff!!!"

While Yoda of the Butterflies did all the huddly work with his fellow entomologist from Kuala Lumpur and wrote an article all about it here: butterflycircle.blogspot.com.  Apparently this butterfly has not been previously discovered in Langkawi.  woohoo!

We were walking along the pretty-as-a-postcard-beach, taking more photos of the scenery, the sand, the blue skies and had completely lost sight of Gandalf, who had disappeared as usual faster than anyone of us could trace.

Bobbo and I kept tabs on the quietly plodding touristy-hatted Yoda of the Butterflies instead.  Which was not difficult because the paths were nice and wide, more like a walk in the park than a good trouncing through thick forest.

When we joined up and were nearing the exit of the trail, we came across a bright orange butterfly 'humming' (beating its wings really fast) over a patch of grassy plants, hovering over a very faded and tattered butterfly.

As usual, I like to waste the opportunity to photograph good specimens by using my mouth first, screaming: "What's that what's that what's that?!!!"

Exhibiting the same behaviour as most men who are easily spooked by screaming women (who sounds like they're angry or want you to do chores), the bright orange pristine male stopped 'egg-beating' its long wings on the spot and suddenly sped off with the same kind of burst I'd seen with Commanders and Green Barons.

It arched along the beach and disappeared, leaving its very battered and used-up female hovering unharriedly from flower to flower (typical male!).

We had to contend with poor shots (the female was balancing precariously from the flower and couldn't be still).  Spooking the male was a heavy price to pay because without a record shot of his pristine manliness, Yoda's counterpart couldn't identify the butterfly with certainty.

Sigh.